Not just my doubts about sex. And I believed him, because I needed to. Every once in a while, motherly types including my actual mother worried I might be vulnerable to this invisible menace. She is all grunt and grab, a pint-size party animal in a polka-dot romper, and we laugh at how much she reminds us of our drunken selves. The panic started when I noticed the time. The kiss is neither bad nor good. These were a speciality of mine.
Maybe I should have been relieved, but I had the haunted shivers of a woman who felt the bullet whizz past her face. I wanted stories, and I understood drinking to be the fuel of all adventure. Afraid of a life without alcohol, because booze had been my trustiest tool. I recognise this as the freedom drinking helped me to recapture. I made genius decisions such as skipping dinner, trying to cut calories, because I was always scheming my way back into the size 8 dresses in the back of my closet. It was chase, and it was hunt. I called the front desk. One eye squinted, as though this balances her somehow. And people in a blackout can be surprisingly functional: I eat dinner at a fancy restaurant and drink cognac — the booze of kings and rap stars. He pulls me towards him, and we kiss. And I believed him, because I needed to. He gives an annoyed laugh. I crumpled into tears. As I lay in bed, I felt the gratitude of a woman who knows she is done I think: I was laughing about my blackouts by then, too. So you saw me with him tonight? We are all forgetting, all the time. But when the lights were off and I lay very quietly in my bed, I knew: Any hint of music becomes a need to dance. Every once in a while, motherly types including my actual mother worried I might be vulnerable to this invisible menace. I turned around and stared at the line of doorways behind me. As I lay in my hotel bed, covers pulled up to my neck, I felt the gratitude of a woman who knows, finally, she is done. A study published in the Journal of American College Health found that among drinkers at Duke University, more than half had experienced blackouts. He leans forward on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees. Blackout drinkers tend to be the ones who hold their alcohol. This happens to me sometimes.
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