Again you may find writing down your thoughts on what sex might include could be useful. How do these conversations usually end? If she is unable to talk, does not want to discuss the issue or says she is happy as things are then you may need to end the relationship. If this is the case are there ways to create more opportunities for you to spend time together — not just to have sex but to enjoy each other's company? If you have asked her, how does she react? Alternatively resentment may build if sex becomes the only opportunity to experience closeness.
She may not consider there to be a problem. Email your sex and relationships queries to: Noting this and making a deliberate effort to find ways to reconnect can help. If you have asked her, how does she react? Is it about closeness, communication, affection, love, romance or something else? If she is unable to talk, does not want to discuss the issue or says she is happy as things are then you may need to end the relationship. It may be that where you are now is what she is happy with. See if you can identify with her what exactly she sees as the problem and how she feels about it. Or they could be related to barriers within the relationship if either of you are feeling resentful. It may be useful to write down your physical and emotional reactions to the thought of ending things. Regarding variety, thinking about what sex might be could benefit you. How do these conversations usually end? If this reveals deeper relationship or sexual problem a therapist could help. Follow her on Twitter drpetra. Considering what those might be could indicate new things to try, or an awareness of specific turn offs that might be stopping your partner wanting sex currently. You might have to do this over several conversations or with the help of a therapist if needs be. It may help to consider the starker question of what are you getting from the relationship as it stands, and why are you together if much of it is not working as you would like. If so, could you begin again by asking her to help you out with a basic conversation about how she sees your sexual life, what she would like sex to be like, and how she feels with the current state of your relationship. Those things may or may not be related to physical closeness but could be due to other lifestyle factors. Does that mean you have limited time together and might that be adding pressure to having sex at set times? Is this something that is important to you? Are there reasons you feel you cannot end it, or do you feel if you could address the sex issue things would be fine? Does she get angry or upset, or avoids further discussion? If this is the case are there ways to create more opportunities for you to spend time together — not just to have sex but to enjoy each other's company? Again, if this is difficult to talk about counselling might be of use to you both. Might she have interpreted your letters as a threat rather than an invitation? Alongside this you might want to think about your view of relationships.
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